Long Time Gone
I want to be a blogger… oh how I do. I want to fit in with all the “cool kids” out there. I think of things to blog… I religiously read other’s blogs… but I just don’t think I’m really blogging material. Blah!
Anyway I was just looking back through some old photos and realized there are a bunch from last year around this time as I was trying to do 365 photos of moi – I didn’t make it! I came upon some that were actually from a year ago today… photos I had taken when we shaved all mom’s hair off. They made me sad. In a way I can’t believe it’s been that long. That it was a whole year ago we shaved her head for the first time. It seems like a few months. But nope – she’s been doing this chemo crap for over a year now (ok so that’s not totally correct… the treatment she has done for about the last three months isn’t chemo but it you know what I mean). I’m sad it isn’t all better, I’m sad that she has to go through this, I’m sad she lost her hair then – and again (on a stupid chemo that didn’t help even – all that hair loss for NOTHING!), I’m sad that I don’t know what the future holds and it could be not so good.
I’m also thankful she’s here a year later. Thankful it wasn’t worse. Thankful I’ve gotten to spend time with her. Thankful we made it to 2010 all intact.
The holidays were good – they were also hard too. The worst part though was when they were over. Christmas was good and I made it through the following week enjoying some of the things we had rushed to get ready for Christmas. New Year’s came and went. It was time to take down the decorations. I cried. I wanted to rewind and begin December over. Part of me thinks I’m sad because of that constant worry that this could have been the last one with her. There’s no real reason to think that (um aside from the fact that she has CANCER DAMNIT!) but it’s always just this little worry in the back of my mind. She has another CT scan in late jan or early Feb…. I really hope it’s good news ’cause bad news is wearing me out.
Random sidenote – We watched My Sister’s Keeper tonight – I don’t think it helped my mood.
Anyway my mood isn’t this bad all the time… just one of those nights. Plus tomorrow it’s the appointment with the “counselor” at the RE. ACK!
