Up or Down?

It feels a bit like life has been going to hell in a handbasket lately. Let’s just say that I have been so stresses/anxious/upset lately that my back decided to act unhappy (it does that when I feel like this) and I woke up sweating and panicked last night. Even taking a little helpful rx from the doctor didn’t really do the trick. I stayed home from work to try to get my physical and emotional pain under control (thus leading to more stress about lost income). I am feeling a bit hopeful it helped though – I chatted with one of my best buddies, went to an appointment with a new therapist (that I actually think will be helpful), and got some rest. The back is feeling way better (if you have back pain reading Dr. John Sarno’s books are a MUST!!!) and so is my brain. Right now need to get a grip on some more of this before divingfull force into ttc – but I feel like time is ticking away……

Been a long time..

So I fear this is gonna be a long one – thanks in advance for sticking with reading it if you make it to the end.

I’ve been overwhelmed by life and frustrated by my body lately (hah! maybe the story of my life!)  I saw the RE, began acupuncture, had a visit with the nutritionist (that was disappointing and not super useful but not so worth getting into right now) and then spontaneously started bleeding – something that NEVER happens to me.  I was excited!  Thought maybe something was working!  Then… the bleeding lasted…. a month…  just spotting and light flow really… but a month….

This frustrated me and made me more stressed than I was before.  It seems to have stopped now – but possibly still some spotting.  I am minimally anxious as mid-cycle bleeding can be a concern as far as endometrial cancer goes – and that’s what mom’s being treated for.  So that hypochondriac part of my brain is telling me I could have it too.  Blah!

Anyway the bleeding started and stopped – and I got overwhelmed by – taking care of mom, going on a trip for work/pleasure (the first time I have been away without her since she was diagnosed a year ago), having a family member visiting from out-of-town, getting a new dog, having said dog start pooping all over the house when he isn’t supervised, going out-of-town with everyone for the weekend. packing and moving all of mom’s stuff to my house, working, oh and most recently having the bf fall down two stairs and sprain his ankle and needing crutches and everything brought to him.  With all of this I got SUPER bad about taking the supplements, vitamins and even my regular old prescription medication.  My eating habits have also gone to hell and I’ve visited more fast food and other restaurants in the last six weeks than I care to admit.

I just can’t seem to get back on the ball.  The house is a mess – there is literally over ten loads of laundry to do and about five more that are clean and need to be folded/put away.  The garage is full of boxes that need to be unpacked – oh and my car got keyed by some jerk who was pissed about a parking spot and I now have to find time to take it in and get it repaired.

Typing this I feel like a huge drama queen with way too much shit going on!  It now makes sense why I feel so overwhelmed sometimes – but at the moment it’s my life and I have to make it all work.

I also recently found out about two more friends who got knocked up quick and easy.  This stung but I am trying not to focus on it.

Ok I am off for now… this got disjointed but I am glad to have at least provided an update!

Odds and Ends

Well, after choking on the 9 capsules of herbs the acupuncturist gave to me at least twice I finally realized it actually helps if I try to swallow them one at a time and make sure they head down my throat lengthwise instead of width wise! Imagine that! In the past two days I have accomplished taking all of my regular medications plus the prenatal vitamin and the 18 herbal capsules! I was almost going to throw in the towel when I was at the acupuncturist today but I decided to try to stick with the gobs of pills and see how it goes over another week. I am feeling glad I made that decision. Maybe because I think the herbs could be helpful but mostly because it makes me feel like I am doing something.

Speaking of doing something – for some reason I am putting off other ttc things I could be doing to help the process move along such as -  I could schedule that repeat ultrasound to see if they can actually really see my ovaries,  I could also schedule the “educational consultation” or whatever the hell they call the meeting with the social worker at the RE clinic, I could pick and order some sperm.  However, all three make me nervous so I am not doing them.  But I need to!!!!  Why do they make me nervous you ask?  Ok, I’ll tell you – 1) I am worried I will get all freaked and nervous again if they have trouble imaging my ovaries, 2) I am worried the social worker gate keeper lady will find some reason to say “hell no these people shouldn’t have a baby!” 3) Sperm is EXPENSIVE – and I am having a difficult time trying to decide what bank to go with and what traits/qualities/etc are the most important as it seems virtually impossible to find everything we want in one person.  (That’s a post for later!)  So instead I surf the Internet too much, watch reality T.V. and do retail therapy.  Why oh why don’t I want to do laundry therapy instead?!? Blah!

I am feeling pressure to find some cute way to end this post – but at the moment I can’t seem to.  In a way I it reminds me of all the diary writing I heard about when I was a kid – I never liked doing it and didn’t really – but if I did I felt like I should start with “Dear Diary,” and sign off with some cutesy Love, Me.  Well then for tonight – Love to all of you from – me!

Ups and Downs

Ups over the past few days:

• Mom feeling really good – having Sangria and lobster for dinner last night saying and saying that it’s “important to enjoy life.”
• Me having some really good days at work lately
• Mom getting to have lunch with friends from out of town and enjoying herself.
• Discovering LOST on Netflix – why didn’t I get into this how before?
• Booking tickets for a vacation in early 2010.
• Appointment with nice nutritionist who knows a lot about PCOS

Downs that have been coming ’round:

• Busy life and lack of motivation making it SUPER difficult to follow nutritionist guidelines
• 18 pills a day that powder from the acupuncturist fits in – is this better than the nasty taste of it in water???
• $$$ being spent on said acupuncture and nutrition appointments that insurance won’t cover.
• Mom’s doctors being realistic that her cancer likely will need to be managed instead of cured.
• Friend’s wedding across the country I want to go to that I don’t think I can justify spending the money on.
• The looming fact that we still need to pack all of mom’s stuff up and move it here – I am not doing anything about it at the moment but it’s driving me INSANE to just know I need to do it.
• My backyard is being taken over by the neighbor’s blackberry bushes and morning glory – I think it is going to be a continuous battle.  Forever.
• Getting nervous about how much this TTC process is going to cost…. why oh why won’t insurance cover the sperm…. grr…

I really wish the ups outweighed the downs.  But frankly I am thankful there are some ups this week!

Movie

Mom got home from the hospital yesterday afternoon and is exhausted from many nights of not sleeping well while there.  We sat down for a bit lastnight and watched “The Business of Being Born.”  Good movie overall but it REALLY made me want to have MY OWN GENETIC BABY.  After watching the movie I sorta think I made a mistake seeing it… maybe should have waited to watch it after I got pregnant (please god let that happen).  All that talk about birthing and bonding etc made me really sad to think that it’s possible it won’t happen to me.  My main goal has always been to have a baby – not necessairly by giving birth myself – I am open to adoption as well.  But movies like this make me feel like the ONLY way to do it is to get pregnant.  It’s so easy to get sucked into things with this whole ttc process.  I so see how someone could be opposed to fertility meds or IVF or something but then when you are in the midst of it say – OH HELL – bring it all on – I’ll do whatever to get knocked up.  I so don’t want that to happen to me but I so fear it will.

Ick

So far accupuncture is going fine with the exception of the HORRIBLE herbal mixture she has perscribed for me. I knew there was the possiblity that it would be gross, but I was being optimistic – and dry it didn’t smell that bad. But add it to water and the stuff is DISGUSTING. I tried sweetening it with honey – I think this helped me get down almost half of the funky liquid. Then I HAD to stop. It was either that or vomit. I am going to try applesauce next. If that doesn’t work it looks like I will be spending my time this weekend filling up empty capsules with the herbs. Oh what fun!

On another note – mom’s chemo seems to be going well thus far (knock on wood) and hopefully she is on schedule to blow that joint on Sat. I will be glad to have her home but it’s also been nice to wake up and not have to worry about what to feed her for breakfast, how to entertain her etc. Funny thing is if, uh when, I succeed in this ttc thing I will have someone else to worry about feeding and entertaining – so I guess I just better get used to it!

F Word!!!!

I just spent two hours canning blueberry jam when I really needed to be getting mom’s stuff ready for the hospital tomorrow.  I still have to find her clothes, dig out a suitcase, pack her stuff, do her PICC line maintenance and change her wound dressing.

Oh and I need to shower because I am totally dusty from our adventure today.

The kicker is that I somehow, despite reading the directons MULTIPLE times, put in half the pectin that the recipe called for.  I think I am screwed and now will have nine jars of blueberry syrup.  Oh yeah and I accidentally dumped hot water on myself and now have a burn – nothing serious though.

This was not what I needed – plus I just keep thinking how I wish mom was well so she could have helped me with the jam making….